Death Turns Me On | Enlightenment, BDSM, & Your Biz
Trigger Warning: Unusual Perspective on death and extensive morbid conversation that could lead to enlightenment.
Breathplay or asphyxiation is dangerous and should never be practiced alone or with someone who is untrained. Serious injury to the trachea or death can occur. All of these acts were done by consenting adults with training.
“This must be what it feels like to die.” His massive hand crushes my throat.
The lights begin to fade. My pulse slows. His breath is heavy in my ear.
I asked for this.
I accept this.
I surrender.
Photo :: Corinna Lander Photography
Maybe I should back up, because obviously, I’m still alive and how I got to this dark basement on a hot summer night is a tale in itself...
But before we dive, I want to tell you what you can expect from this post. This is not really a guide to BDSM, though it will teach you. This is about learning to stop controlling, manipulating, and white-nuckling everything, so that you can actually get what you want… in your life, but especially in your business.
First, we have to talk about what you’re avoiding… and that “thing” is probably death. With my clients, it usually sounds like this:
I’m afraid if I don’t won’t make enough money. I’ll be out on the streets. I won’t have food/water… and I could die.
I’m afraid that if this project “fails” that I will be so embarrassed and ashamed. I will never find my life partner and I will live alone forever and… then die… alone.
I’m afraid that if I don’t find clients, I’ll lose my healthcare insurance and then my kids won’t be able to go to the doctor and then they’ll get sick… and die.
Perhaps I’m being a bit dramatic here, but,
most fears can be traced back to a Universal fear of death.
So if you’re ready to get past this fear and truly shift into new levels of transcendence, keep reading.
Also, if all this death talk is a little much and you’d like something lighter, I have that too. To enliven your creative capacity, read How To Let Things Die
The Journey To A New Perspective Around Death
My BDSM tale(while juicy) is less relevant than how this whole inner death journey began with lots of crying in yoga/meditation/breath-work as I built my business from the ground up.
We all want to get to this place of bliss and complete harmony. But it’s not easy.
We, first, must transform our societal view around death from,
“It’s tragic, bad, scary and painful” to “Wow, this could be really cool”.
Unity Takes Work At First
We often forget that getting rid of all the layers of who we think we are and who we want to be in the world takes a lot of work. Our ego wants to stand out. Our ego wants to be successful and recognized, but your soul, your essence, doesn’t give a shit about any of this. As a result, we fight an internal battle against the ego. At first, you will resist; you will struggle.
You will hate the tears and hate, even more, feeling like a mess in front of other people. Shouldn’t a spiritual awakening feel good?!
I wish it could be some other way, but breaking down is a huge part of coming alive to your wholeness.
How To Know When You’re Dying
If we can identify these moments, these little mini internal deaths, it will help us to come back to the practices that bring us to life. I vividly remember my first breathwork class, my first awakening.
I am 16. A guy with lots of tattoos welcomes me to class. He asks if I have done breathwork.
I say, “Yes, of course,” but the answer I soon found out was, no, I had never done anything like this before.
“Breathe in to the count of 20.” I panic, remembering holding my breath in my childhood pool with my friend on my shoulders and how I got stuck that one time in our tube, flipped upside down with my head underwater, trapped.
Drowning.
“Hold for 26, 27, 28.” The instructors voice lingers in the background, as my lungs stretch. I am going to die.
The memories kept coming like tidal waves submerging me back into panic. The longer I held, the more vivid my recall.
I remember all of the running my parents made me do in middle school because they didn’t want me to get fat. My lungs burned then too.
I remember all of the striving, wanting the boys to like me, trying to make my family proud. I remember water all around me, hands slapping my face, fighting, swirling, chaos... and…
Thirty minutes later, we’re still here, holding our breath for 60 seconds at a time.“Hold for 1, 2, 3, 4...” His voice trails off and I am alone again in my mind, but something has changed.
Now, instead of panic, I am in a pool, a peaceful oasis, a light grey-greenish-blue. It’s simple and empty…
I found bliss through apparent torture… It’s pretty much worked that way for me ever since.
Don’t Kill Yourself, Just Find Your Medicine
There are behaviors that you are doing right now that are sabotaging your life and work. Staying up late. Working all hours. Working yourself out merciless.
Yet, you think of them as essential. They don’t feel good to you, not any part, but you keep doing them to “get to your goal”. This is NOT what I’m talking about. This is not medicine. This is actual torture. Save yourself from this reality by learning this.
I wasn’t attracted BDSM, yoga or meditation because I found them to be annoying, repulsive, and downright terrifying.
I kept showing up because there was always medicine for me when I pushed myself just past the point of my enjoyment to find a deeper truth.
Die to Your Ego tho, that’s actually really helpful
For instance, with the mountain top and the white clothed woman, The first 2 minutes of shaking were amazing. The last 15 minutes were total horror as I encountered extreme discombobulation and kept bumping into other people. The last 4 minutes - utter union with God.
This kundalini teacher said to me, “Your ego likes order. Your ego likes to be in control. That’s why we shake to get free of our ego.”
Photo :: Kelly Shroads
My ego is this thing that I actually transcend to through these bizarre practices and, in doing so, am able to connect with the Divine.
The one thing I didn’t know, until I started experimenting with BDSM, is that dying might not be how I had always imagined it.
I never imagined that death could truly feel good.
This perspective now impacts everything I do in my business.
Let’s incorporate BDSM into you biz, so that you can truly enjoy your work and again and transcend.
what bdsm is/is not
First, a little foray into this dynamic. You’ve probably heard of polarity, the idea that when someone in a relationship is more dominant it allows the other to submit. With BDSM, we’re not suggesting that one must stay in this dynamic. In fact, typically women who are naturally dominant, love taking on submissive roles, because it allows them to experience surrender, because the element of choice is being taken away.
All of those client emails and tricky business decision disappear. The whole experience is a learning process. It’s practice. You won’t stay in the submissive state forever.
It is a tool for learning and growth, just like any of other practice.
And BDSM is often played out in a non-sexual way, just in case you were wondering.
Intimacy is the precursor to a fulfilling dom/sub relationship and it doesn’t always equate to sex. There a few things we can do to increase connection, safety, and overall fulfillment.
Creating Boundaries, Creates Trust
Boundaries are the lines with which I’m willing to play. Think of them as the edge of a frontier, a dynamic that you want to learn and explore with another. As you have discerned, I like learning to release control, so that’s the space that I'll teach from today.
Define your boundaries for yourself and for your work. I’m comfortable responding to emails until this time. I’m available to my clients and other people in my life from 9am-5pm. I have an edge about speaking about sex. Treat these boundaries as hard defined lines and then be willing, in the moment, when it feels right, to break them. That’s where the magic is.
Also, trust creates trust.
There is an element of being blindly trusting that I believe is really helpful in life. That is - trusting in the inherent goodness of others… while using discernment.
In BDSM play, I must trust in their heart that this partner desires to see me thrive and that they will not abuse their power and actually hurt me without my consent, but I never really know unless I choose to trust. Trust is a choice, more than anything.
Do you trust your clients?
It’s a really important question. Do you trust that the people you are working with to do good and be good? Are they someone you want to co-create with? Does it feel safe? If not, I encourage you to reconsider why you’re in that dynamic in the first place. Look to your ego and renegotiate the relationship, so that you feel safe.
Be honest with your clients and with yourself.
If you do trust your clients and want to connect with them more deeply, whenever that fear comes up, which it will, say, “I trust my clients,” and then surrender.
Let your dream clients be on top
Open to them in a way that nobody else gets to see - these are the people who show up in your Facebook groups, on your IG, in your programs. How do you give them the gift of your soul?
In BDSM, before we get into any sort of scene, we will often talk about specific traumas related to certain behaviors and talk about any fears/vulnerabilities/uncertainties that we have in the connection.
This is one of the most revolutionary things that I teach my clients.
You will push back against this. Get really honest about your fears and “failings” with your audience. What?! You might say. Yep, I’m actually encouraging you to do this. Say, “Hey, this is what I’m afraid of…” Complete the prompt, “What I don’t want you to know about me is…” And then share that on your IG Story.
Write a letter to your client about all the things
you don’t want them to know about you.
“Dear client, What I don’t want you to know about me, is that I’m also terrified of gaining weight and that I myself struggled eating disorders for many years. I’m still not even sure that I’m over it, because yesterday, I almost stuck my finger down my throat…” Make that the copy of your next Facebook post.
You might feel like you’re losing control and losing your authority. In a way, you are and that’s kind of the point, because it allows you to access true magic/surrender/bliss/receptivity and alchemy in all of your offerings.
Take a risk. Open your soul.
play out your control dynamic if you want
Freaking out at release of control is normal. I say this, because this is me. I LOVE controlling people and I’m pretty good at it. I’m strong, determined, and vocal. Control equals safety. When I’m safe, I’m impervious to death. (See where this is going. It always comes back here.) But when I control things, they always wind up super flat.
The same is true in your work relationships.
If you co-create with clients, other business owners, and the Universe, based on control/how you want it to be, you will ALWAYS wind up unhappy with the result.
So, I encourage you to play out this dynamic in your mind or with a willing partner.
One day, Gabby & I were planning a retreat. She is very yin and I am very not. I was trying to get everything down to a perfect script; she was not into it. I could tell, something was off. So I just decided to play out my control with a super whiny voice, “Gabs, I want you to show up and say this thing. Then, I say my thing. I’ll write the whole script; it will be perfect. What do you think?” We burst into laughter. “That would be awful. Please don’t do that,” I said.
True creativity, collaboration, and all cocreative efforts coalesse when there is a willingness on both parties to release control.
Remember your safe word and Come back to your sovereignty
After you’ve really surrendered the control of your clients and your biz to the will of the Universe, you get to say when you’ve had enough, when you’ve been pushed outside of your comfort zone and are ready to take the reigns again.
Give the Universe your safe word(or in my case, with choking, a safe signal) and say, “Safe Word. I’m ready to be in charge again.”
Follow vulnerability with sovereignty.
On IG & FB, you can follow your vulnerability statements, your misgivings, and all of your insecurities with an empowerment statement to recalibrate the connection.
“Despite my imperfections as a coach, here’s what I know to be true about my strength of character…”
“Even though I still struggle with an eating disorder, I know how to love myself.”
“When I have self-limiting beliefs, here's what I do about it… Step 1, 2, 3.”
You will truly deeply connect with your client in the moments when you give them a little bit of power over you and then follow that, immediately, by showing them that those experiences do not define you or them.
Accessing Bliss States To Go There
Oh, where was I? Somewhere between conscious and unconscious. Let me remind you. My fingers tingle. Lack of oxygen had my whole body(or lack thereof)floating through the ether. I have nothing to do or worry about. I’m not here. Yet, I’m so deeply present.
He knows just the right time to release the pressure on my jugular.
I slide back into the 3d world.
The light from the ceiling a warm welcome.
His icy eyes and fierce presence meet me. His face menacing, like the grim reaper, and yet, in this moment, he is my savior too. My eyes fill with water. My pale face begins to flush pink again.
I gasp a long, gusty inhale and begin to sob.
My guardian angel, he has always been.
In many native cultures, the angel of death is not only a merciless killer, but also a benevolent guide. It’s hard for me to imagine how one individual can be both dark and light, but he has just shown me. I take a few more deep breaths. My whole body shakes. “Wow,” I say. Union is possible, for moments, and I feel grateful to be back on this earth once again.
I feel tiny and vast, as he cradles me gently.
Like all great experiences, I don’t exactly remember how I got into BDSM, but I would liken being choked to the spaciousness of a long exhale, in which someone else assists in the depth of the hold, and it’s hard to explain the bliss that comes in surrender. Maybe, you could think of the way your body releases in a long savasana or the serenity of a cool breeze on a hot day.
What if we could embrace all the parts of life with this same approach?
When I release control, I can then truly live.
I’ve had many internal deaths in this life, aborting my first child was this way, as well as, getting laid off through which I have illustrated how this perspective brings so much richness and teaching to one’s life.
Now, I know how to work with my own death almost everyday through meditation, writing, and many other visualization exercises.
I think about death a lot.
Especially in moments of challenge and sadness and it fills me with abundant ecstasy.
ready to dive deeper?
Because of these practices,
I know myself more deeply
I experience a boldness in my whole being.
I have less fear and more courage to create the life I want.
To create your own life of magic, simply lean into these teachings, embody them, and practice them.
If you want to learn how, lean into the darkness and you will find this same resilience, which is the experience that I offer in Embody The Muse and on retreat.
This is a 1-month container for entrepreneurs or entrepreneur curious who want to lean into these edges/fears to find more freedom personally and to have a deep sense of pleasure and fulfillment in ones work.